How not to scream at the child? Psychologist's advice

The times when children were brought up with birch, in strictness and submission, long ago passed. Today, every conscious mother tries to raise in her own child an interesting personality, individuality and simply a healthy member of the society without complexes and mental problems. And then the question arises: how not to scream at the child? This problem arises even in the most loyal and friendly families. Let's understand why and how to deal with it.

What is this phenomenon

How often from wonderful and very loving mothers you can hear pleas: "I'm yelling at my child! I do not know what to do! Help! "With such words and full of tears, women are frantically searching for advice on the Net, running to their girlfriends or turning to psychologists. So what is this phenomenon? It's simple. This means that at some point the mother loses control over herself, gives an opportunity to all the accumulated negative emotions to go outside and directs all their turbulent flow to the small and defenseless person, the one whom he loves more than anyone else and who can not by force His age and position to respond to a surge of aggression. Unfortunately, a person most often does not see himself at such moments, because few people yelling at his child, standing in front of a mirror. And it looks like this: anger in the eyes, tense and skewed muscles of the face or even the whole body, disheveled hair and an eerie voice. Yes Yes! This is what the beloved sees when his mother screams at him.

Many will say, they say, he himself deserved. And is it so? Here are the main reasons for mom's cry.

Reason 1: stress

The most common to date is stress in the absence of the child's guilt. Like this? Yes, it's very simple! A woman who has been overwhelmed with stress, hassle and fatigue, just breaks down on someone who will not resist. And often without even realizing it. Let's think whether a randomly broken old vase, a poorly told in school, or a stained jacket is worth so many experiences. Perhaps a beloved child touched this vessel when he was trying to get a book for himself, because Mom was not at home. Perhaps the son or daughter did not tell the poem well, because the stomach ached. Probably, the new sweater was smeared by a snooty classmate, whom neither teachers nor parents can cope with. But sleepy and tired mother did not understand, but just screamed from the threshold.

Reason 2: lack of attention

Today, women are very often engaged in career, work and self-realization. For some, this is the only way to survive, for others - the inner need. Whatever it was, mothers do not sit at home, but are in offices, at business meetings and on business trips. And it turns out that their children see and hear the most native person less often than her colleagues and business partners. To attract attention, and kids, and schoolchildren, and even adolescents, unconsciously choose the most accessible way - to offend. In fact then mum will come off from the monitor of a computer or a tablet and will look them in eyes, let even with shout and abuse. And let these minutes be terrible, but they will belong only to them and to my mother, whose attention is so lacking.

Reason 3: disobedience

The most difficult and ambiguous problem is the child indulges and does not obey. First, such behavior may be a consequence of the factors described in the previous two paragraphs. If all the same attention is enough and my mother tries to understand the essence of the situation, and the child continues to behave differently than it should, then we need to understand further. Here it is better to divide the problem into conditional age categories:

• Toddlers, preschoolers and children of primary school age. Often, these guys act wrong simply because they do not yet have a clear line between good and bad. Their pampering is just a game, the goal of which is ultimately the knowledge of the world around us.
• Children of secondary school age. Pampering as such is already over. Now the child tries on different roles, checks the vital axioms given by the parents, and simply makes mistakes.
• High school and teens. At this age, the reasons for disobedience are most often a protest, a desire to stand out or to search for the inner self.

If one understands the reason why a child has acted in one way or another, in many cases there will be no need for abuse, and another will arise - to talk heart to heart. And then all the best qualities of mom will come in handy: patience, understanding, empathy, empathy and, of course, love. Such conversations will not only help to solve problems of behavior or study, but will also give many pleasant moments, bring parents and children closer.

Having understood the reasons for his cry, many mothers do not ask how to not shout at the child. If you still can not, then follow the advice below.

Tip 1: Clean up the irritants

How not to break on the child, if, as they say, nerves are not good for hell. First, you need to revise your life schedule and remove the maximum possible number of stimuli from it. For example, stop talking with a friend who is always crying and gives only negative. Just tell her "no" and delete the number from the phone. Cruelly? No, because their children are much more important and more expensive than someone else. Or try to change the job, which all got sick. Difficult and terrible, but it is possible, if the psychological health of their children depends on this. And so on. Then it is necessary to make your own schedule of the day so that there will always be time for yourself to love, to sleep and to communicate with children.

Does not work? You can try to attend training on time management, where specialists will learn how to plan time correctly. And the last thing is to find an occupation or an action that will help relieve stress. Someone needs to crumple a piece of paper, others go to the gym to beat a punching bag, others put on sneakers and run through the park and so on. The main thing is to throw out the negative not on your child.

Tip 2: Think about the consequences

Often moms do not have enough motivation to start acting and change something. Sorry for the baby, scold themselves, but they calm down themselves, they say, with whom it does not happen. Every time before screaming, imagine what harm you do to the child. The little man is frightened, his mind can not cope and handle this horror, the nerve cells are destroyed, the connections between neurons are lost, and so on. This is fraught with nervous disorders, psychological diseases, which can lead to a loss of physical health. Not scary? Then come up with your own picture of the harm that the parent screams. For example, imagine that every time during a parent orator the child eats a poisonous mushroom that destroys its nervous system and can cause very serious harm to a small organism.

Tip 3: Relax

How not to break away on the child with the help of a magic pill? Such means are not present, but to mum the various herbal teas and infusions will help to calm. Just do not self-medicate. It is better to contact the doctor for help and choose the drug that will strengthen the nervous system and not cause harm to health. In no case should you try to remove stress through smoking or alcohol. These funds will not solve the problems, but, on the contrary, will add new ones. Another good way to relax and calm down is to take a bath or shower. Water, as is known, has a unique ability to wash away negative energy and give strength.

Tip 4: The deterrent

Another good way, how not to shout at the child, is to find a deterrent. Most mothers will not yell at their child in the presence of guests or just strangers. Most often, screaming and swearing attacks the child when there is no one around. If so, it's worthwhile to start hysterically yelling, to imagine that guests are sitting in the next room or in the kitchen. This can become a deterrent. Then take a deep breath and leave the room, such as a balcony. Stand, breathe the fresh air, think about what happened, analyze the situation and, having calmed down a bit, return to the child in order to calmly discuss the problem or controversial situation.

Tip 5: the conventional sign

There is another, already almost classic, way of dealing with manifestations of aggression towards one's own child. It is necessary to agree with the son or daughter about the conditional sign or phrase that the child can apply if he sees that the mother loses control over herself. It can be a hand raised up, a hand covered face or said: "Mom, stop, let's talk". This will be a sign indicating the border, beyond which the child is scared and hurt. React to this mom, in turn, can in three ways:

• Adjustment: apologize for the cry and admit that the act of the child was wrong or even bad, but it still should not cry.
• Rewind: to thank the child for reminding of the contract and the conventional sign and to indicate that the reason for this phenomenon was that the mother was very upset by the bad act of the child.
• Repeat: apologize for shouting and invite your son or daughter to start the conversation anew, but calmly.

Thus, the child will feel protected, and the parent will receive a deterrent.

Council 6: Literature in Psychology

A lot of useful information, tips, recommendations and techniques, how not to shout at the child, can be found in the special literature. Yes, it is in those books that are so often rejected with the words: "Well, they'll write something new, everyone has known for so long!" Psychology is a science that, like any other, does not stand still. Scientists around the world work day after day to give the world answers to various questions, including about the upbringing of children. Therefore, it is worth not neglecting such literature and reading a couple of at least the most famous authors.

Tip 7: There is no indifference

Under no circumstances, never and under no circumstances can the child say the phrase: "Cry and yell as much as you want." Mom for the child is the whole world, the whole Universe, and such a phrase means indifference and indifference to his sufferings. After all, the child cries sincerely and gives himself up to emotions without a trace, completely - that's how the child's psyche is arranged. By analogy for an adult, it looks like this: the whole world turned away, you do not need anyone, and even if you do not become, everyone will not care. This thoughtlessly thrown phrase inflicts enormous damage to psychological health and gives rise to doubts in the small consciousness. Does mom really love me? But will not she leave me, will she turn her back, can she be trusted? Any normal mother such questions are simply horrified.

Tip 8: Family Psychologist

If the tips outlined above do not help, then do not let go of your hand and let things go on its own. There is a way out of any situation in life, and in this case, mom, most likely, you need to go to a specialist. Do not be shy or afraid to visit a family psychologist. Perhaps a couple of conversations will forever solve the problem and give their loved and happy children a happy childhood without screaming and swearing.

A special case

Often in this issue there are delicate situations. Women say: "All these tips are good, but what if I bring up other people's children?"

If it is a question of screaming in the playground on completely unfamiliar kids, then the solution is unambiguous: there's no point. No proceedings in the causes and effects. Screaming at other people's children is impossible, as well as, for example, standing in the way of a train going. The second is not in doubt?

If we talk about the situation with adoption, or adoption, or, perhaps, just living together with non-native children, it is best to turn to a psychologist. Firstly, because in each specific case it is necessary to take into account the reason why the child does not live with his or her own mother. Secondly, we need an individual approach of a specialist in order to understand and understand the level of trust and intimacy between the non-native parent and the child. And only on the basis of this, a professional will be able to select the methodology and give recommendations on how to behave both to mother and child.

Summing up

Understanding the reasons for your screaming and trying to eradicate this bad habit, it is worth remembering a few unshakable truths:

• A child, his physical and psychological health, his smile and hugs - this is the most valuable in a woman's life, and nothing can be more important or more important. Love for one's own child is permanent, and everything else in the world is only variables.
• Nervous mom - a nervous child. Children are very sensitive and sensitive to the state of the parent, so you should carefully monitor your psychological state and not let your troubles and problems affect the life of the dearest and beloved little man.