Dependence emotional: causes. Center for Psychological Assistance

I can not live without it, because I love it! Surely you've heard this phrase many times in the movies, and maybe you said it yourself. In fact, this is how many people understand the real high relations and at the same time are very much mistaken.

This is not love, and dependence is emotional in the first place. She substitutes real feelings for herself and masks them well enough, but she has one serious difference. Love is a bright, creative feeling, this is freedom. She is always mutual, because she grows only in relationships, she does not give torments.

Unrequited love is an incorrect definition. Such in our world does not happen. If the relationship causes suffering, then this dependence - emotional, material or otherwise - it does not change the essence.

Dependence is a substitute for love

Most often this is manifested in the relationship between a man and a woman. We are all looking for love, it is vitally important for us to experience harmony with a loved one. But this happens with a healthy person. If a person has an unhealed psychological wound, a gap in his emotional field, he will passionately need love, but he will not be able to experience it. All that is in his power, is to find an object that will nourish it with the necessary vital energy.

What is characteristic: the thirst for this love or energy (call it whatever you want) will never fade away. It's as if a hole in the person's soul is gaping, through which the feeling flows, and he eagerly grabs his source demanding more and more. This is called "emotional addiction." Your relationship is sick and doomed until you can not heal yourself.

Manifestation of dependency in relationships

If you want, you will find a large number of examples around you. Constant concentration of thoughts on the "beloved" man - this is the notorious dependence. Emotional in the first place, because these feelings now determine the life of the dependent, his relationships with other people, work capacity, emotional and physical condition.

The whole life of the dependent is in these relations. It would seem that the object of such "love" should be happy. It happens so, but then it is a consumer relationship. One can give an example: young people decide to live together, while the girl devotes herself to her chosen one, pushes all her dreams and plans for this, works and provides for the family, while he gets a prestigious education and builds a career, and then ... he leaves from it.

What are the reasons

Why is this happening? Because a person should not rush like a whirlpool in a relationship, but go to the center of psychological help. Instead, he, feeling that he is unhappy alone, connects his hopes for happiness with this relationship.

But how else, because all the mental suffering and self-doubt, all the complexes are lost under one glance of the beloved! First time, it seems that this is what is happening. But this is only an illusion, which, unfortunately, does not last long. Gradually begin conflicts and misunderstandings, dissatisfaction with your partner and yourself.

A person, without realizing himself, suffers more and more, and this inevitably leads to the collapse of relations, parting and even greater pain. And ahead, perhaps, a new relationship, in which a person will rush with even greater zeal, believing that he finally found this very one. It is not difficult to assume that the result is quite predictable.

Why is this happening

What is the essence of this phenomenon? Dependent behavior is first and foremost an attempt to compensate for one's own inferiority. The meaning of such relations is that the dependent person tries to fill the emptiness within himself with a partner. And this emptiness is quite terrible. It manifests itself as an endless cold, like a painful discomfort, the filling of which is a matter of life and death.

A good center of psychological help is what a person needs in such cases, but instead he continues desperate attempts to find a soul mate and become happy.

Roots of psychological dependence

Above are the reasons for building "sick" relationships, but this phenomenon has its origins. To understand the causes, you need to return to a deep childhood. When a baby is born, it is in a relationship with the mother. Ideally, they do not feel separated from each other. This ensures the child's care, a sense of trust and protection. If a person normally goes through this stage - gets enough love - he will be open to the world and normal relationships. If the mother was detached, gave the child little love, he grows up with her eternal thirst, which will be reflected in dependent relationships.

The second important stage is at the age of 18-36 months. Now the main task of the child is separation, becoming as a person. He tries to do everything himself and must hear "yes" more often than "no". The parent must ensure safety, but do not interfere with the exploration of the world. The child must feel that he is valuable and the fruits of his activity are also valuable.

Right now, the opportunity to feel full and born with other people in deep, emotional contact is born. If the development went wrong, if the child's activity was suppressed, he was scolded, overly protected, then he will get stuck in dependent relationships, the whole world will be poisoned with fear and distrust.

Development does not end there, that is, the injuries can be healed, but the older we become, the less chance it will be. If a person's need for love, acceptance and care was not satisfied in childhood, he will "stick" in relations with other people. The basis of dependent relationships is the fear of life, insecurity, a sense of inferiority, increased anxiety.

How Dependent Relationships Are Constructed

The named relations are a separate subject, which can become a material for the whole dissertation. Dependent behavior is manifested in the fact that a person is ready to tolerate anything, just not to be rejected and not to remain alone.

As already mentioned, love in dependent relationships is a way to compensate for one's own failure. A partner is an object that is designed to supplement it to a holistic self. As you can see, such relationships are doomed to failure. The psychological state of both partners will only worsen, although the secondary benefits can keep the relationship long enough.

The development of such relations

In fact, relations are very limited, in them the psychological territory of one person completely dissolves in the psychological territory of the other. He disappears "self", sovereignty, he ceases to live his life, completely dissolving in the life of a partner.

However, the psychological state under such conditions can only worsen. The task of filling yourself with another person is impossible, since internal integrity is achieved only as a result of the development of internal resources. Dependence is the setting of another person in the place of God. However, the creation of an idol and serving it to self-forgetfulness does not remove its own insufficiency. Dependence is a rejection of oneself.

Different dependency scenario

Scenarios, which develop the described relationship, a lot. We are all very different, and everyone is trying to get their own benefits. The more emotional a person, the more with passion he rushes into such relationships and the sooner he burns. More reserved people, on the contrary, will check them for strength, hesitate, but as a result they will still not be able to take out what they need from them.

Let's look at the main variants of the scenarios of dependent relationships, none of which has a place for true intimacy, responsibility and love. Emotional features of people determine which particular option will be chosen by them:

1. Reflection in the partner. The benefit of an addicted person here is obvious: he chooses for himself such a partner who will constantly show him that he is unusual. It is difficult to say who loses more in these relations. The dependent person will constantly demand that his chosen one express his love, satisfy desires, and achieve his position every day. That is doomed constantly to prove that he is better than others and worthy of love. As soon as the partner is tired of serving as a mirror, the relationship falls apart.
2. Refusal of own sovereignty. It is the dissolution of one's world into another's. The feeling of affection in this case is so great that a person lives in the interests of his chosen one. He is given the whole responsibility for life, and at the same time for desires, goals and aspirations. That is, the dependent plays the role of a child. And the more emotional the child, the more difficult it will be to build such relationships.
3. There may be a reverse situation, when a dependent person seeks to absorb his partner himself, to deprive him of his sovereignty, to subordinate himself. Emotional-strong-willed person in this case plays the role of parent. He guides him, relying on the idea: "He can not cope, I know better how it is better for him."
4. Absolute possession and destruction of the psychological territory of the object of love. That is, a partner for an addicted person in this case is perceived as a thing, and full possession of it allows you to feel strong and meaningful. And the responsibility for the life of the partner is declared, but not implemented, they are simply being used. On it you can check your own ability to rule.

The main symptoms of emotional dependence

Only at first sight a strong affection (read - addiction) is a synonym for love. In fact, this is a destructive relationship that must be able to see. How can you see the dependence behind the numerous masks? First of all, in this case, the partners often conflict, find out the relationship, quarrel. At the same time, the dependent partner seeks to maintain these relations at all costs. Despite insults, humiliation, beatings, jealousy and treason, he will find for himself hundreds of reasons to stay together.

It is noteworthy that the addict constantly seeks to save his partner, to change it for the better. This is most clearly seen in the case of the chronic alcoholic and his wife. At the same time, the dependent refuses to accept reality, he continues to be in illusions that everything will improve. For him, the whole world is narrowed to a single object, he ceases to communicate with friends, stops doing his favorite thing.

Internal changes of the dependent person depend on how much this emotional personality. But most often his mood changes to depressed and depressed. He is increasingly convinced of his own unattractiveness, self-esteem falls before his eyes. The dependent is inclined to hide from the surrounding problems in the relationship with the partner.

And he can simultaneously earn for himself one more or several kinds of dependence. Not necessarily it will be alcohol or drugs - someone will become a shopaholic, another will sit down on sweets. Finally, completing the list of symptoms is a violation of physical health. This is a violation of sleep and indigestion, skin diseases and psychosomatic diseases.

How to get rid of emotional dependence

To get out of the described situation you can help a qualified psychologist. If you live in Moscow, you can contact the Gestalt center where the best specialists in your field are waiting for you.

In fact, any therapy is an appeal to yourself, a return to the roots, to early childhood, to healing yourself with the power of love, which was not enough then. This will be offered to you by a psychologist.

The next step is to do very important - to recognize the presence of dependence. One of the signs of this is its complete negation. Until you stop and turn to face her, you will be doomed all your life to run away from her, pretending that you just can not see her. Only after this can we go to a new stage, to study ourselves, to deepen contact with ourselves, to sense our own desires, long atrophied and forgotten, our feelings, needs and boundaries. Now it becomes possible to work with self-esteem and the ability to accept oneself.

The experience of strong emotions in dependent people is usually blocked. Often we become dependent when we are unable to accept our anxiety and fear, shame and guilt.

Suppression of feelings is a lack of freedom, and you already know where this path leads. Therefore, an important direction in working with a psychologist is the gradual discovery of the entire spectrum of feelings for oneself. You must allow yourself to live them, feel them, change with them. This opens another path - the acceptance of responsibility for their lives. And this is simultaneously a rejection of responsibility for the lives of others, for their fate and decisions. This is the only way to establish healthy borders in a relationship. This immediately resolves a huge number of problems, conflicts, grievances and pressure.

Deep level of healing

When all the previous steps have been passed, the opportunity to move to a new level will be opened. A psychologist will help you regain the ability to feel vulnerability and affection, the need for intimacy. Releasing an inner child is a long and complex process. Usually, in order to complete this process, you need to work out the consequences of psychological trauma. Working with traumatic experience is the need to mourn and say goodbye to the unfulfilled childish happiness, with those dreams that have remained unfulfilled. As a result of this mourning, we grow up.

Finally, the last task remains - to learn constructive communication without manipulation. We must learn to accept ourselves and others, to withstand reality and its divergence from our expectations, to accept our own emotions, to accept and share responsibility. And at the same time, stay in touch with your inner child. Psychological help will be invaluable for acquiring new skills.