Jealousy for the former - pathology or norm?

With the statement that jealousy is a painful, destructive feeling, nobody will argue. However, some psychologists assure that jealousy speaks of weakness of character, of self-doubt, that this is pathology. Here with a similar conclusion it is necessary to argue.

Let us not talk about really jealousy pathological, groundless. But we will discuss this question: is jealousy towards former cohabitants, loved ones or spouses of today's half a psychic deviation or is this a regularity?

Naturally, each person experiences this feeling in relation to his lover. Another question, on what jealousy is based. Is it a fear to lose one's half or the failure of a person who doubts a person? An attempt to justify the inability or unwillingness to sacrifice for the sake of one's love some habits, foundations, worldviews?

The words "I do not care about your past attachments, I'm not interested in who you were before me and what kind of relationship you associated with someone you once chose or chose for your companions" - a lie, a sort of psychological defense against jealousy, but not at all. Absence of it. In fact, jealousy towards the former is a war with the past, which can not be changed, a fight with windmills, a ghost, which, alas, can not be defeated. So, this should not be done.

Although the feeling itself will certainly find in its heart, albeit tiny, a little corner. And if in life it so happened that the chosen one, unfortunately, already has a similar experience, one must learn to perceive it as real as possible: you are with me now, everything is fine with us, and jealousy towards the former can only spoil what we have now.

Although often new relationships are still being destroyed precisely because of the existence of this past. Here is an example from life. A man lived with a lady, family relations rather resembled the position of "father-daughter", rather than "equal partners".

The second chosen was the complete opposite of the first: independent, strong-willed, skilful, "grasping". It seems that a man should now live and enjoy. But no! Before the New Year he is in the house with a fir-tree. The new husband proudly shows him the already decorated Christmas tree, which she bought, brought, installed. But the husband mnetsya, embarrassed and tells the woman that this Christmas tree he bought for his ex-wife.

"She is so unadapted ... So it will remain in the New Year without a Christmas tree ..." As a result, a man goes to place the tree in his old house, where he remains forever. Questions: who is right, who is to blame, what a new woman of this tangled man could do, will remain unanswered. Because neither jealousy to the former, nor attempts to prevent the rupture of new relations in such situations could not have changed anything. Just the old feelings were stronger than it seemed at first glance.

Some families, strangely enough, break up because of the total absence of jealousy. In such situations, such relations border on indifference. A little jealousy in love is like adding a dish of seasonings, salt and sugar. Without it, life becomes fresh and monotonous.

However, there is still so-called pathological jealousy - for no reason, without any hints of treason. This feeling is just a disease, a mental deviation from the norm, says no, even screams about the insolvency of a person, about his low self-esteem.

Often this deviation has a real way out in scandals, in fights, despotic attitude towards the jealous. Attempt to lay down relations with a person who is sick with pathological jealousy, can play a bad joke.

1. A tortured spouse or spouse is looking for solace on the side, realizing those fantasies of a jealous or jealous man, in which he was reproached without cause.
2. During another quarrel with the use of violence, someone gets injured or even commits a murder.
3. Suicide occurs from one side or the other.

Where does the roots of such strange, then necessary, and then destructive feelings grow? As the same psychologists say, all our troubles are from childhood. In one family, parents, for whatever reason, have one child more than others. It's clear that a child who is denied parental affection, suffers, is jealous, suffers, not understanding their guilt. Children's jealousy with age does not disappear: it grows with the person, and sometimes - faster than herself, capturing the whole being.

"Unadvised" children are often the most perverted tyrants. Of these, then, at times, brutal jealousy, maniacs, murderers or drunk homeless people turn out.

The second reason for uncomfortable relationships in the family, where jealousy rules and rules all feelings, again, is the experience of family life in childhood. Only here it is already worth talking about not a pathology, but a bad example that a person takes from his family, applying it to himself and his second half.