Emotional violence: how to recognize it in a relationship?

According to statistics, almost 20 people are physically abused by a partner every minute. And since the internal affairs agencies do not see the corpus delicti in family clashes resulting in beatings, victims are forced to call hotlines dealing with social problems. In the United States alone, more than 20,000 such calls are recorded daily. These figures are amazing. It's sad to think that people are forced to live with domestic tyrants because of fear or simply because they have nowhere to go.

Emotional violence is difficult to recognize

However, domestic tyranny is not always manifested in the form of beatings and physical abuse. According to Eliza Lopez, an employee of the University of Arizona, moral violence entails equally devastating consequences for the victim. All because this type of bullying is very difficult to recognize in the bud. The behavior of an emotional tyrant can be multifaceted, including pathological jealousy, suspicion or insult. Sometimes people confuse concepts and believe that a jealous man is too fond of his partner. Most often, the victim does not realize that the partner is trying to suppress her, but in this case, deep discomfort is felt deeply in the soul. If your relationship more often brings you fear, discouragement, confusion or anger, it's time to resort to qualified help. Do not expect that the cruel spouse will change his anger at mercy and suddenly will change. Next, we list the signs by which you can recognize the emotional tyrant.

Partner's phrases make you feel pain, fear or shame

If a romantic partner communicates with you using words that are offensive to you, there is a clear sign of emotional abuse. There is always a line that you can not go over in your statements. But different people have different ideas about what harmless jokes are, and what insults are. It is worth telling the lover that you do not like his words, and he will immediately change the style of communication. A moral tyrant can not leave himself without the opportunity to mock the victim, so each time he will ignore the request. Do you want to continue playing the role of a martyr, or will you still find the strength to put such an end-of-communication model? Put an ultimatum, and if the conditions are not met, you will have to think about breaking the relationship.

The principle of negation

Manipulators perfectly mastered the technique, allowing to keep the victim on a short leash. With this tactic, the tyrant makes his soul mate doubt his own words and deeds. The disoriented victim is too weak to fight back. And it's just worthwhile putting you before the fact of denying reality. In this case, the partner will show calmness and confidence, often raising your voice. Even if you find him with a mistress, he will vehemently deny the fact of treason. As a result, the facts will be distorted so much that the blame for the misdemeanor of your husband will be assigned to you. This is a subtle form of violence, which calls into question the emotional balance of the victim. Quite often the tyrant resorts to such words: "You are abnormal, it's time for you to be treated."

You will never get what you want

Quite a common problem within any relationship is the disagreement of spouses related to leisure activities. If the husband wants to watch TV, the spouse is ready to go shopping. A healthy relationship model implies mutual concessions. However, the emotional tyrant will never change his decision. The victim will always be attached to him, otherwise a grand scandal will erupt in the house. If you feel like a puppet, which deftly manage the hands of the puppeteer, intuition, most likely, you do not deceive. In toxic relationships one of the partners does not want the other to be in a state of emotional, physical and financial well-being. Many experts on family relations mention the classic case of emotional violence: when a husband forbids his wife from going out to work after childbirth, trying to keep full control over her life.

You do not have access to finance

The domestic tyrant tries to offend his victim by any means, including denying her access to financial management. For example, when a spouse does not have the right to vote in matters of major purchases (everything is done without his knowledge), does not go to the grocery store (sits at home and cooks from what's in the refrigerator), does not have access to the state of bank accounts and does not know , On what money is spent.

Here is what divorce lawyer Jeff Henniger says: "One of the most common tactics used by intruders is total control over financial transactions. Many of my clients do not know how many spouses are earning, how much money is on the family account with the bank, whether he has performed an operation to return the tax for the purchase of housing. These women are completely ignorant. Each week, the spouse gives them pathetic crumbs for the current costs of caring for the child. This is done with intent, because a limited amount in the wallet will not help a woman hire a lawyer for divorce cases. " As you can see, the victim is in fact trapped in the circumstances.

Feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness

If you have a terribly low self-esteem, you can "thank" your partner for it. You have yet another clear sign of toxic relationships. Believing your merits and virtues, the emotional tyrant raises his own worthless essence. According to the licensed family psychotherapist Marni Feuerman, all the domestic tyrants use this technique: "The victim begins to feel helpless and even hopeless. In addition, most intruders skillfully convince their soul mate that this sensation is not due to their fault. Thus, the victim realizes that she is responsible for everything that happens to her. "

This technique is slightly different from denial or intentional distortion of reality. The domestic tyrant deftly manipulates your consciousness and achieves grandiose results. Now you begin to understand that you deserve a bad attitude and do not deserve good. This is an alarming call, requiring immediate intervention by professionals.

A lot of time you spend in a world of dreams and fantasies

It seems that you have found an outlet in the endless fantasies about a better life. By the way, in your bright future there is no place for a tyrant who at the moment lives with you side by side. By all means, you are trying to avoid a connection with the reality that so frightens you. Unfortunately, escape from reality is most easily accomplished through destructive behavior and abuse. You are looking for consolation in gambling, social networks, alcohol. In front of you are common markers of abusive partner attitude: denial, distraction, a world of dreams and fantasies. In order not to go crazy, the victims spend most of their time on inventing their own world, where everything is perfect and safe. But in order to fit in this world, they need more isolation and being away from people and urban fuss. There is no point in running away from reality every day. It's time to change the current state of affairs.

You are ashamed of your libido

In families with emotional violence, this situation is often observed: a woman seeks intimacy with her husband, but her attempts are in vain. A man is comfortable to control the situation, limiting sexual contacts and all sorts of tenderness. If the spouse initiates sex, it means that it is necessary to share some of her powers with her. But this can not be allowed. That's why the rejected woman feels guilty for manifestations of "low lust." The husband seeks full domination and, entering into sexual contact, behaves too aggressively and unfeeling. Unfortunately, very often the family tyrants cross the line of what is permitted, in fact, by raping their wives. Only such a model of sexual contact is seen by the aggressor as acceptable.

Words of love are not unconditional

You often hear from your spouse a phrase that begins with the words: "I love you, but ..." This painfully hits your self-esteem. At first, the conversation seems sweet and romantic to you, but gradually the smile comes off your face, giving way to disappointment and resentment. Thus, the house tyrant deftly veiled threats and criticism in your address. He regularly sets the conditions for you and knows that feelings are your weak point, that's why the word "love" is so often used.